I had a nightmare just last night it really made me think
And after I had such a fright -I couldn't sleep a wink
I was in a hall with two hundred girls all shouting out my name
But I was near undressed down to my balls - and they thought I was fair game

Now the music was some beastly row they hop round to in discos
The MC then announced, "Now it's our man from San Francisco!
Our sunbronzed giant here on stage - more thrills than the big dipper
Is the man you know as all the rage - it's your hero 'Jack the Stripper'!"

Chorus:

Oh, what a nightmare
Oh, what a pain
I will go anywhere
Don´t make me come back here again

Then the spotlight turned on me and I was dressed up like a toff
And a huge crowd that I couldn't see started shouting, "GER 'em OFF!"
Then I began to wish I could dance like a Chippendale
In panic I began to prance like some arthritic whale

Then the girls began to whistle and boo and give an ironic cheer
One cried, "It's men - not in-betweens who we want around here
You are the ugliest little pest we've ever seen between us
And we're not impressed with your spotty chest or your nasty little penis"

Chorus:

Oh, what a nightmare...

I did the one thing that I could - I bolted for my life
Sincerely hoping no one would report it to my wife
I woke up next to her - I was in a cold sweat
And from this day on the Chippendales have my profound respect